I’m completely mixed up right now. I’m happy and want to be mad or I’m frustrated and want to be happy. Somebody deck me in the chin. Just walk up and start swinging.
In reality I’m in a place where I should feel blessed for how much opportunity is shining on me. I’m really proud of what I’ve accomplished this semester. The Corrections class I’m in right now has really had a huge impact on me. I’ve never been introduced to so many things such as going to a prison where we actually walked through the cell blocks and talked to the prisoners. They were yelling and carrying on, one on one they were completely polite.
And then an ex convicted felon who served 27 years in multiple Arizona Prisons came in and spoke with our class about all of his experiences. Unedited, ‘yall, he was completely raw with all of it. I was in shock at how honest and in depth he was with everything, and answered every heart wrenching question we threw at him.
He was a good man. Regardless of the Swazis tattooed on his chest and the Aryan Brotherhood patch tattooed on his arm. Regardless of the drugs and assaults. He had heart. Which I’ve only ever seen a few times in my entire life. This man had heart. And after he was sexually and emotionally abused as a child, he came out better than anyone I’ve ever seen. It took him longer than some, but my God. He said to us, “I did this to myself. I can play the blame game up and down all day long, but I wont. That’s just not me.” I will never forget that man, and how moved I was by his depth and good soul.
This blessed me with an open mind on a subject where I had none. No one has the right to flap their un-researched mouths about the topic of Corrections and incarceration because it has officially become offensive, and unless you’ve managed to educate yourself on the subject, I don’t want to fucking hear it. Because I will destroy you.
I’ve also been blessed with new love. There are so many directions to go and I’m ready for them all. This past year has been nothing but “self rehabilitation” and it has been extremely hard work. So I know more than ever that I’m ready to trust, and give everything I have, not only to be giving, but because it’ll give back to me. There was a time when I let people use me and prey off of me. But now that I’ve worked towards this place, I deserve to let myself take a little. Well I’m taking this and I’m not letting go. He was mine before he knew it, and that’s the way things will stay.
There are so many other things that have a chance to grow, so now is the time to take advantage of these opportunities. I can’t sit around mad at the world when I’m being given so many wonderful things. Just handed to me, just like that. Life is officially exciting, and the people I’ve decided to surround myself with are beyond amazing. Sheer luck.