Reasons why I don’t like you:
1. You’re loud. And as we all know, so am I. How am I supposed to hear myself talk, if you’re talking over me AND doing a better job? Furthermore, how am I supposed to get any attention with your constant bantering and yelling, and needy pleading? Yes I will and no I don’t, thank you very much, and DON’T ask again.
2. You’re gorgeous. I hate that. With my ADHD I can’t help but drop everything to stare at something shiny, glittery, or fancy. Not only is your face shiny, glittery, and fancy, but it is handsome, mysterious and annoying all in one. So your talking/yelling is just noise because I get lost in thought from the initial distraction and that one little thought turns into an epic battle against a fierce dragon in a futuristic setting with a light saber and a puppet. I don’t know what the puppet’s for but I’m sure I’ll pick up where I left off the next time I see you to figure that one out.
And then the “Peanut” style WHA WHA WHA of your voice reminds me that I like you until your mouth opens and then I want to shove a furry woodland creature in it- not to shut you up (we know that wont stop you) but as a mere distraction because I’ve gotten the ADHD vibe from you as well and what could alarm and divert better than a little creature stuck in your face..? But I digress. Moving on.
3. You remind me of myself. Which is funny because I don’t like you but I like myself. Well maybe I do like you at least a little because if I didn’t like you while liking myself it would really mean that I didn’t like myself because if I’m saying you remind me of myself but I don’t like you and I like me then what I’m really saying is I don’t like either of us, get it? Bazinga!
4. You look at me weird. Your eyes are lost in this passionate trance whilst the rest of your face just looks retarded. Knock it off, you’re freaking me out.
5. You’re always talking about how awesome you are. I do it too but I’m telling the truth, something tells me you’re a big hairy liar, and no one likes a liar.
Remember when I told you I survived a mind blowing whale attack on a fishing boat last summer?
And that time I told you I was undercover for the FBI and joined a gang, and then they found out, stole my kidney but I escaped and they came after me and I was on the run for three years and now I’m in the Witness Protection Program and my name’s really Rain Charlotte Bass?
Yeah I lied, payback’s a bitch.
So I guess what I’m really saying is I think you’re sorta cute, and we should get coffee.